


Bravery

by quadrilateralality



Category: Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies)
Genre: Additional Warnings Apply, Additional Warnings In Author's Note, F/M, Gen, Hurt Peter Parker, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Mentioned Michelle Jones, Minor Michelle Jones/Peter Parker, Out of Character Michelle Jones, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Peter Parker is a Mess, Peter Parker-centric, Poor Peter Parker, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-18
Updated: 2020-06-18
Packaged: 2021-03-03 20:14:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 776
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24781399
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quadrilateralality/pseuds/quadrilateralality
Summary: Peter Parker felt alone-very short vent fic
Relationships: Michelle Jones & Peter Parker, Michelle Jones/Peter Parker, Ned Leeds & Peter Parker
Comments: 3
Kudos: 28





	Bravery

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warnings for suicidal thoughts/ideation and implied/referenced self harm
> 
> This is just a vent fic, sorry if it's bad. 
> 
> Please stay safe and dont read this if these themes trigger you ♡

Peter Parker felt alone.

Being spiderman made Peter feel free. He could let his negative energy out, take his mind off of things and get out of his own head for a while. At the end of the day though, Peter knew that the next day would be the same. The same weird looks when he tried to lighten the mood with a joke. The same people ignoring him over and over. He wanted to die.

He used to feel alive, it felt like months since he'd experienced an emotion other than numb feeling that had leached onto his body, draining all the life. Peter felt like he didnt belong anymore, he felt ignored by his friends, friends who no longer laughed at his jokes or made an effort to communicate with him. He constantly thought about the unanswered question 'why am I still here? Why do I still hold on?' He knew realistically that he had nothing left, no friends, no family, nobody that cared about him and nothing that felt worth living for. People would call him selfish for saying such things about his Aunt and friends but they wouldn't understand the feeling. It's not like he didn't have any friends or May, it's just that it felt as if he didn't. It was this feeling of being so alone yet being surrounded by people who one day talked to him, listened and laughed but now people who shut him out. This feeling was pushing Peter over the edge. 

Peter knew that his death would bring to pain to those around him, to his girlfriend, MJ and to his best friend Ned. He knew that May would be heartbroken and had thought about it many times over. Somehow, Peter didn't feel any remorse. Instead, he felt as if he would be helping them. Aunt May was busy with work, she had to work extra shifts just to keep them fed. Peter knew he was a burden on her, he knew he suffocated his friends with his constant tiring energy and negativity. Peter felt like MJ deserved a better boyfriend than him, someone who isn't a screw up or an annoying brat. Logically this wasn't true but Peter Parker wasn't listening to logic, he was listening to the thoughts that pointed out all the subtle little things about his life, about other people's feelings towards him and those thoughts trapped him.

Peter Parker felt suffocated. It was the overwhelming feeling of sadness that constantly plagued his thoughts that made him realise that he couldnt find a reason to stay alive. As hard as he tried, as much as he wanted a reason to live he couldn't find one. Peter couldn't find a reason to hold on.

Truthfully, Peter thought that he was a coward. People say killing yourself is a cowardly act but Peter saw it as bravery, being brave enough to take a life even if it was his own. Bravery because taking your own life isn't easy, no matter how many times you think about it and how confident you are its still a terrifying path that he felt prepared to go down. Peter almost thought he was brave, feeling as if he could accomplish the final act of the disappearing spider. But Peter was a coward because when he came to a decision, he couldn't even be brave enough to take his own life. He didn't feel very brave anymore. 

He was waiting for the time, for when it felt right to leave. He convinced himself that he would stay for a little bit longer just to fix this or that or try giving himself a reason. But he knew that the time wouldn't come and he would be trapped in an endless loop of feeling empty forever. Peter thought about the fading cuts that littered his inner arm, thought about the sleeping pills May has stored in the bathroom cupboard. He thought about leaving a letter. He thought about what he would say and what he felt like he couldnt say. He thought about not leaving a note, just disappearing forever. He thought about being selfish.

Peter knew he didnt want to be alive anymore. Peter Parker also knew that he didnt have the guts to take his own life. He didn't have his suit of armor to brave the war. He promised himself he would lay at rest someday but just not today. And so there he sat, surrounded by friends but always ignored, never acknowledged and trying to answer the question. Why am I still here? Why do I still hold on? He didn't know.

Peter Parker felt alone.


End file.
